I don't feel older

So this bitch is now 24- I'm no longer in my early twenties (although twenty-three probably isn't early 20s) and oddly enough it does seem like I aged overnight.
Starting from Christmas Eve when I ended up being in New York and out at a bar with two people from work- I don't think I've had a conversation that hasn't ended up being about marriage or weddings or babies.
This might be because everyone I know seems to be engaged in Lancaster or married in Lancaster. And the guys from work were both drunk (and in their 30s- so like of course they think they are going to end up alone- men can never find women once they hit 30).
But I feel like maybe I'm odd because this is in no way the way my life is headed... marriage? Pshaw I don't want to think about for another three to five years and kids? Dude I can't give up alcohol for nine months.
But then to go on top of all this we were discussing things we did way back in the day (and by back in the day I mean when we were 21) and I found myself saying things like "that was not a good idea" and "why would we ever do something so dumb?"... What happened to being carefree and untouchable?
Oh and I got super excited about getting clothes for both Christmas and my Birthday- if that doesn't show that I'm an adult I don't know what will!

This is Why I'm fat

It's too cold to actually go outside and do anything.
I'll just eat one more piece of chocolate.
My back hurts.
That food will totally just go to waste.
It'll make me feel better.

Bad habits are hard to break but even harder once you start falling into them again... grrr....

It was right

I had to do probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life this weekend. I put Old Grey to sleep...
He's been a part of our family since I was 7 and I believed he was *unspokenly mine. Although I think everyone in my family believed the same thing... which makes sense because he was just that kind of cat- he seriously ruled everyone.

 And I mean it's obvious that I've had to say goodbye to people before and that it probably shouldn't be as hard to say goodbye to a pet- but it was. When my mother told me he had tumor and it was cancerous on Saturday I broke down in the middle of the street of New York. I was fucking bawling on the corner and the subway. I cried all of sunday when i was home and saying goodbye to him. But I was the one who had to insist that putting him to sleep before he could start suffering was the right choice. My brother and sister were both under the impression that he could get better. My mom wasn't far behind simply because she didn't want to let go...
But  I had to insist it was right (my dad was under the same belief but he always pretended to not love the cats as much although we all knew he did). I had to be the one to convince everyone and be strong to an extent and that was sooo hard.
It was the right choice but I still kind of wonder if I was wrong... was I being selfish and wanted him to be gone while I was around? What if he could have beat the cancer? What if the vet had made a mistake?
We were all in the room as he went and I was petting him and he died purring...
And even now that makes me break because now i know i will never feel him purr again although all of last night i could still hear him.... And this morning I swore I saw him in the house... but he'll never be there again...
I'm pretty sure soon I am going to want a cat to live with me in ny.... not to replace him but to help me fill this hole in my heart. I know there will never be another Grey cat but atleast I can show another animal the love that I have to offer....



how the hell am i going to deal with this for tiger and boomer.... why does anything have to actually die?..... I hate this.

RIP Grey cat- you drove me crazy and showed me unconditional love- we'll all miss you

Game plan

I have to get myself back on point. This week I will restart (or really start) working out... I have not been eating well lately and really need to work on this. And tomorrow I will continue my job searching because I can't put all my eggs in one basket.

It's weird to really think that you'd be 24 today- that just a few days ago marked the 7th anniversary of your death. And that you still inspire me to this day. I have so much to thank you for. Thank you for giving me the courage to be me when I was just known as the fat quiet girl in middle school. Thank you for supporting me when none of my other friends really knew how- you always had so much faith in my talents as a writer. Thank you for wanting to get to know me and letting me be me.
I'm still sorry to this day that we lost touch but I know that that is how life goes. I wish I had said goodbye, but I can't go back- I like to think that we had peace though and that you knew I would've if I had known something was wrong- I kick myself for not calling all those times I though about it.
You really did change my life. And I will continue to strive for my dreams because you can't strive for yours- and when I do succeed- I'll remember that part of that success is because of you.

Long story short- I'm not leaving nyc- just relocated...
In other news I think I've reached a new form of desperation... online dating sites are probably not necessary in my life and I will probably be sick of the free one I joined in less than a day.

I cannot believe half the stuff that was said to me today... believe me lesson learned... and it really is sad how double standards are still in place...