Why is my natural reaction to just about everything to be a bitch? I get it when someone pisses me off- I get bitchy- the bitchyness should be a natural reaction but that bitchyness should be directed at the person who pisses me off not everyone else.
I should not go to bitch simply because I'm tired, stressed, cold, or mildly annoyed, yet it's what I do. And then I regret it. Walking down the street today my lovely friend told me that someone seemed standoffish and I had to explain that that was because I was being a bitch- for no reason - I just was.
I'm gonna work hard on being a nicer person.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Girls Got Issues!
I have major issues... well not that major... but still there issues.
I miss having someone to talk to. And that's not to say I don't have people to talk to because I do but my go-to's are already annoyed with the topic and also do not comprehend single life. One is married, the other is engaged, the other's been dating the same guy for like 2 million years (I think it's actually 7 years...) so men have not been a problem in their lives for a very long time. And my issues are so trivial and immature.
I seriously have very similar tendencies to a 12 year old girl. And I am overemotional like a sorority girl but I prefer to believe this is just due to estrogen trying to work itself out because mother nature is fucking with me. What I really just want is for someone to sit down and listen to me rant for about... let's say 20 minutes and not look at me like I'm psycho... but honestly I really probably am. I mean I have a guy who is not awful looking, maybe a little too creepy for my liking, but who seems to genuinely think I am good looking (at least when he's drunk... but can I really hold that against him?) who shows interest and yet I am holding out hope for someone who has no interest and never will... When the fuck will I get on the train and move on? I need to a) stop obsessing and b) stop telling people because if I've learned anything from past experience it's that eventually secrets get out.
Also I'm 23 years old- I'm about a decade away from when crushing was an acceptable past time... Didn't I say I was accepting the notion of "he's just not that into you"?
okay babbling is done.
I miss having someone to talk to. And that's not to say I don't have people to talk to because I do but my go-to's are already annoyed with the topic and also do not comprehend single life. One is married, the other is engaged, the other's been dating the same guy for like 2 million years (I think it's actually 7 years...) so men have not been a problem in their lives for a very long time. And my issues are so trivial and immature.
I seriously have very similar tendencies to a 12 year old girl. And I am overemotional like a sorority girl but I prefer to believe this is just due to estrogen trying to work itself out because mother nature is fucking with me. What I really just want is for someone to sit down and listen to me rant for about... let's say 20 minutes and not look at me like I'm psycho... but honestly I really probably am. I mean I have a guy who is not awful looking, maybe a little too creepy for my liking, but who seems to genuinely think I am good looking (at least when he's drunk... but can I really hold that against him?) who shows interest and yet I am holding out hope for someone who has no interest and never will... When the fuck will I get on the train and move on? I need to a) stop obsessing and b) stop telling people because if I've learned anything from past experience it's that eventually secrets get out.
Also I'm 23 years old- I'm about a decade away from when crushing was an acceptable past time... Didn't I say I was accepting the notion of "he's just not that into you"?
okay babbling is done.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
A Bad Cry
Lots of things in life can make me cry. I've cried at commercials... I cry every time I watch homeward bound and Shadow gets stuck in the hole and Chance and Sassy come home and Shadow doesn't... even though I know he's coming I cry. I cry when I get homesick and miss my mom, dad, sister and brother but I mostly cry because I miss my dog and cats... shit I can talk to all of them on the phone but Boomer hasn't quite mastered dialing. And I have sat down after a long hard day and had a good cry. A good cry is an amazing moment to release everything that is bothering you. It really just cleanses everything out. It's even better when your on the phone with someone explaining why everything sucks... emotions that have been bottled up are finally released.
However tonight I sat down and didn't expect to cry. Didn't want to cry... and yet I did it. It seems so stupid after having such a good few weeks. I just couldn't help it. My brain (or is it my heart? what organ controls the tear ducts?) just can't let some things go. What makes it a bad cry is that nothing is gained from it. Emotions aren't being released... In fact there just getting more confuzzled inside.
However tonight I sat down and didn't expect to cry. Didn't want to cry... and yet I did it. It seems so stupid after having such a good few weeks. I just couldn't help it. My brain (or is it my heart? what organ controls the tear ducts?) just can't let some things go. What makes it a bad cry is that nothing is gained from it. Emotions aren't being released... In fact there just getting more confuzzled inside.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
When did I become that girl?
I've always been a little obsessive... slightly stalkerish... and probably creepy. I've had crushes that have lasted way longer than they should. Since I was probably 9 I've been kind of boy crazy. But I've never been the girl who wanted a relationship. The idea has just never appealed to me. And I'm not saying that it the sort of way like "oh I'm above relationships"(because I'm not). And it's not because no one wanted a relationship with me. It's true many offers have not come my way but when they did it didn't appeal to me. I've always enjoyed being able to do my own thing and not have to worry about anything or anyone else. I'm not sure I'd make a good girlfriend, I've always been self centered and more concerned with what I want to do with my friends than a guy.
Now suddenly I want a boyfriend (okay not just any boyfriend, there is one guy in particular but I kind of think it's reaching beyond that). I want to know someone is going to be there for me. I want the security. I like the idea of knowing that someone will want to spend time with me. I want someone to hold my hand. I'd like it if there was someone to say goodnight to. I'd like to have set plans and be comfortable with that. And it is scaring the hell out of me... this is not something that I'm used to wanting.
Maybe it's because I'm out of school and I don't have the whole "single co-ed" thing to fall back on. Maybe it's because my friends have all basically coupled up, gotten engaged, or gotten married (however I don't want to get married... that is still something I'm not sure I'll ever want to do). Maybe it's because at 23, I have never actually had a real functional relationship and I've finally matured to a level passed the age of 13 where having one seems appropriate. Maybe it's because I've finally met a guy that I'd wouldn't mind being hurt by and trying to change for. Whatever the reason, I'm suddenly like every other girl whose looking for a relationship and it feels weird.
Now suddenly I want a boyfriend (okay not just any boyfriend, there is one guy in particular but I kind of think it's reaching beyond that). I want to know someone is going to be there for me. I want the security. I like the idea of knowing that someone will want to spend time with me. I want someone to hold my hand. I'd like it if there was someone to say goodnight to. I'd like to have set plans and be comfortable with that. And it is scaring the hell out of me... this is not something that I'm used to wanting.
Maybe it's because I'm out of school and I don't have the whole "single co-ed" thing to fall back on. Maybe it's because my friends have all basically coupled up, gotten engaged, or gotten married (however I don't want to get married... that is still something I'm not sure I'll ever want to do). Maybe it's because at 23, I have never actually had a real functional relationship and I've finally matured to a level passed the age of 13 where having one seems appropriate. Maybe it's because I've finally met a guy that I'd wouldn't mind being hurt by and trying to change for. Whatever the reason, I'm suddenly like every other girl whose looking for a relationship and it feels weird.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Stuck In Between a Rock... and nothing
I hate this feeling of being stuck. Like there's no direction that I really want to go in but I also don't want to stay here.
I need a new job but I don't want to start looking again and I don't want to work during the day which is lame of me and I need to suck it up.
I need to follow my own advice and realize that he's just not that into me because even though I know this I don't want to move on because it's easier this way in some ways.
I need to start acting like an adult instead of calling my mother everytime I have an issue. I have to learn to rely on myself and trust my own insticts.
And I need to write... I'm just so stuck on everything else that I haven't really sat down to write since the week before I graduated and that's pathetic considering I went into all this debt and I am living in NY to do this, to try and get onto the right path but I can't even put pen to paper... or rather fingertip to keyboard.
It just feels like I'm in a room where there's no door out... looks like I need to get myself a motherfucking sledge hammer.
I need a new job but I don't want to start looking again and I don't want to work during the day which is lame of me and I need to suck it up.
I need to follow my own advice and realize that he's just not that into me because even though I know this I don't want to move on because it's easier this way in some ways.
I need to start acting like an adult instead of calling my mother everytime I have an issue. I have to learn to rely on myself and trust my own insticts.
And I need to write... I'm just so stuck on everything else that I haven't really sat down to write since the week before I graduated and that's pathetic considering I went into all this debt and I am living in NY to do this, to try and get onto the right path but I can't even put pen to paper... or rather fingertip to keyboard.
It just feels like I'm in a room where there's no door out... looks like I need to get myself a motherfucking sledge hammer.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Forgot One
Earlier I forgot my resolution that is the most important: Do, don't regret. I have so many times regretted not doing something and I think it's time that I start doing because I've never truly regretted something I've done. I have never regretted getting my tattoo. I have never regretted going to NYU (questioned it... realized that it has caused a lot of debt... yes but regret no). I don't regret saying what I want to say, I only regret not saying it how I mean it. So here's to a year of doing.
New Year's Resolution Time
I'm lucky since I only have to do resolutions once a year, lots of people do them at New Year's and then re-do them on their birthdays because they have to change again once they're a year older. I, however, only have 5 days in between these two events and will only be doing this once.
I resolve to continue attempting a healthier lifestyle and being active. I resolve to be happier, I don't need to stress as much as I do because all it does is bring me down. I resolve to try harder and reach for more in life. I tend to settle into things without going for something better. And finally my biggest resolution because this year it really has caused me pain, anger, and many a sleepless night- I resolve to accept the whole "He's just not that into you" mantra... I always kind of felt it was a bit sexist to say that if a guy liked a girl he would find a way to be with that girl and there was nothing the girl did could make him interested... But I kind of feel like that may be true. I can't make someone want to be with me just like they can't make me want to be with them. So I don't have to hold onto school girl crushes or hoping he'll come around. I'll give a guy the opportunity and if he doesn't take it that's tough shit for him.
I resolve to continue attempting a healthier lifestyle and being active. I resolve to be happier, I don't need to stress as much as I do because all it does is bring me down. I resolve to try harder and reach for more in life. I tend to settle into things without going for something better. And finally my biggest resolution because this year it really has caused me pain, anger, and many a sleepless night- I resolve to accept the whole "He's just not that into you" mantra... I always kind of felt it was a bit sexist to say that if a guy liked a girl he would find a way to be with that girl and there was nothing the girl did could make him interested... But I kind of feel like that may be true. I can't make someone want to be with me just like they can't make me want to be with them. So I don't have to hold onto school girl crushes or hoping he'll come around. I'll give a guy the opportunity and if he doesn't take it that's tough shit for him.
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