It was right

I had to do probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life this weekend. I put Old Grey to sleep...
He's been a part of our family since I was 7 and I believed he was *unspokenly mine. Although I think everyone in my family believed the same thing... which makes sense because he was just that kind of cat- he seriously ruled everyone.

 And I mean it's obvious that I've had to say goodbye to people before and that it probably shouldn't be as hard to say goodbye to a pet- but it was. When my mother told me he had tumor and it was cancerous on Saturday I broke down in the middle of the street of New York. I was fucking bawling on the corner and the subway. I cried all of sunday when i was home and saying goodbye to him. But I was the one who had to insist that putting him to sleep before he could start suffering was the right choice. My brother and sister were both under the impression that he could get better. My mom wasn't far behind simply because she didn't want to let go...
But  I had to insist it was right (my dad was under the same belief but he always pretended to not love the cats as much although we all knew he did). I had to be the one to convince everyone and be strong to an extent and that was sooo hard.
It was the right choice but I still kind of wonder if I was wrong... was I being selfish and wanted him to be gone while I was around? What if he could have beat the cancer? What if the vet had made a mistake?
We were all in the room as he went and I was petting him and he died purring...
And even now that makes me break because now i know i will never feel him purr again although all of last night i could still hear him.... And this morning I swore I saw him in the house... but he'll never be there again...
I'm pretty sure soon I am going to want a cat to live with me in ny.... not to replace him but to help me fill this hole in my heart. I know there will never be another Grey cat but atleast I can show another animal the love that I have to offer....



how the hell am i going to deal with this for tiger and boomer.... why does anything have to actually die?..... I hate this.

RIP Grey cat- you drove me crazy and showed me unconditional love- we'll all miss you