I know I'm doing the right thing... I think... but the thought depresses me beyond belief.

Wrote over 20 pages today between the train, mom's office, and no electricity and while I know editing must be done- I think I really made headway in my story and the script is going in the right direction. I'm starting to remember why I spent four years "learning" how to do this.
Also spent some quality time with my sister and Yen T Le. It's good to reconnect with people. Oh and Joeliebear too. He and meagan make some odd shadow puppets (we didn't have electricity... something had to entertain us).

It's easy to lie to yourself, but when you realize it's a lie... then there's trouble...

I think it's about time to get some new ink... gotta start saving some moneys

Goals

I started off yesterday in a fantastic mood... I don't know why, something just felt good and promising in life... and I ended yesterday in a good place also... however there were things I did yesterday (and that I do most days) that I have decided I need to work on.
1) Stop complaining- I like to complain... about a lot of things, and it is definitely something that I need to cut back on. Complaining in general is a downer...
2) Stop gossiping... well not overall- just don't gossip in a group of people. I think it's better when you gossip one on one.
3) stop whining- I do this a lot... mostly because my voice has a naturally whiny ring to it but it's a lot like complaining, I jsut naturally lean towards it.
4) Stop comparing myself to others- I'm never going to be someone else and if I keep working myself up worrying that someone is going to take my place in the eyes of someone else then that's jut going to create unneccesary stress and also tension.
5) Stop swearing so much- I swear a lot and I know I don't do it for shock value- I'm just naturally vulgar, but in large quantities it probably isn't painting me in the best light.
and 6) Stop drinking so much- I am not even going to pretend I'll totally stop but I do think I've reached a point where I need to reevaluate how much I consume so for the next few weeks I'm gonna cut it back to just two or three drinks (two would probably be the best idea). I need to remember that I can have fun without being drunk- and then also I probably won't be as annoying as I think I am...

You've got to continue improving yourself if you want to grow and be happy. And I do want to be happy.

Something feels different... It's like I suddenly remember why I don't like strings, it's easier that way and I can do easy... I think I'm finally over it... and this time for real. phew...
However i think i do have to work on my taste in strangers.

Okay so I just spent the last 45 minutes on the subway thinking about this. and I know I'm being absurd and stupid and immature, and that really once I get enough sleep I'll be over it because the only person who can be mad at me about it does not care. But what bothers me is not the fact that I made out with a strange guy... I mean honestly- it would not be the first time... and I also find that kind of amusing. and I don't even care that he made out with one of my friends before or after or anything... we were drunk and we weren't married... I could tell you nothing about this guy other than what i heard from others... But what does bother me and kept me up last night (among other things including the decision i might have to make)... is that I might have made out with this guy even after my friend told me that he made out with her... because honestly that's gross... that's not the kind of girl I want to be. You don't make out with guys who make out with your friends at the same party. That's what a bitchy girl does and if I am that bitchy of a girl when I'm drunk then that is awful. And it does bother me that I have no clue if I did that or not and this means I really have to work on my drinking limits... but i do love all the people tonight who put up with my wondering and then moping...

I really thought I only made out with him inside and then outside... but looking at these pictures it seems there was a third time... really? even after I was "done" with him?... that's gross...

So I had fun this weekend... At least I think I did... I know I had an awesome time tonight at a lovely Oscar party... and from what I remember I had fun at the party on Saturday... made bad decisions but my memory seems to be fun...
Although I apparently became a bit too belligerent at some point and I don't want to be the drunk girl no one wants to be friends with, so my drinking must be taken down a notch.

Decisions... Decisions

Oddly enough I am not a sad, angry or depressed person, contrary to what most of my posts may convey. It's just easier to write about things that bother me than things that make me happy, which is really odd. I will try to change that. But this post won't be the one where that happens.
I've been trying to take a step back and look at my options. And I know what decision I have to make. And I know it's a decision I don't want to to make. A decision that a few short months ago I never would have considered. But what can I say? Times change. I can't really say what this decision will be because there are factors involved in it that require me to talk to some very important people in my life and wait to see if this decision will be made sooner rather than later. I'm sure the decision can be guessed but from now on I will only be referring to it as "the decision." (oh and the decision has nothing to do with pregnancy in case that was the path you were going down).
I've never really had to make a decision of this caliber before. I know what I have to decide as an adult. And once I make it I know I will regret it but I also know it's the right thing to do. I also know that it doesn't have to be permanent but it will change everything. I won't be happy because in a way it's the wrong decision for the right reasons.
It's something that has been racking my brain for a few weeks now and at first I tried to look at it optimistically and hope that I wouldn't need to decide but now it just sort of seems inevitable. And that thought is just making me crazy. I don't want to have to make this decision but I think I'll have to. And soon.